Former Grazia gal Maxine Frith ’fesses up to celebrity headlines and more

1. They make stuff up

Or rather they stretch the truth to its outer limits. Pregnancies, affairs, new romances, marriage breakups; if anyone did the research, the gossip mags’ accuracy hit rate would struggle to get into double figures and Kate Moss would be a one-woman baby boom. But before you howl in outrage, ask yourself this: how many headlines in newspapers shriek, on the basis of unnamed sources, about how Julia Gillard is about to be ousted, Tony Abbott rolled, Kevin Rudd reinstated blah blah blah? And how many of those predictions have come true? Political gossip and celebrity gossip come down to the same thing – gossip.

2. Kylie Minogue is cover poison

She may be a National Living Treasure, but the Singing Budgie can’t sell weekly mags in Australia. No matter if the story is positive or negative, a headline about her career or gossip about her private life – still she bombs. It’s not because she’s too old (Sandra Bullock was one of Grazia’s best performing cover girls of the last year and she’s 46), or because of cultural cringe (little sister Dannii, model Miranda Kerr and Lara Bingle all do well), but for some reason readers just don’t connect with her. Interestingly, she does sell well for British gossip mags.

3. Jen-Brad-Ange stories always sell

Sad but true. I can’t count how many times I have gone to a party, been introduced to Person A (mag fan) and  person B (uni professor, political journalist, commercial lawyer or the like) and, after I explain where I work, been told with varying degrees of tact that they don’t believe a word we write and can’t understand our obsession with Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie. However... I can guarantee that at some later point in the evening, both A and B will sidle up to me and ask, “So what is really going on with Brad and Ange?”

For the record, at the time of writing, Walkley readers may like to know that: *Ange is painfully thin but trying to have another baby, Brad is drinking too much and flirting with the nannies and Jen is pregnant by her film director boyfriend after going through IVF. *Allegedly.

4. There’s a new language to learn.

“X’s secret trauma” means we don’t know what’s happening; “the truth about Y” means the exact opposite; “Z’s  baby news” means they’re not pregnant. My favourite cover line of the last year was “KATE [Middleton] – PREGNANT AND ANOREXIC”.

5. Men: we need you

Magazine offices tend to be 95 per cent women, 4 per cent gay men and 1 per cent heterosexual males. Believe me, this is not a good thing. Feuds fester rather than erupt, tears are a daily occurrence and we are much bitchier about other women. And there are far too many cupcakes.

6. You can say anything about Kate Moss

Mag lawyers love her because her “never complain, never explain” attitude means she never sues.Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are super-litigious, as are Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, especially when it comes to  any suggestion of an eating disorder.

7. Fat is an Aussie issue

Body-related covers sell in Australia in a way they don’t in the UK or even in the US. Put a “how you can get my  body” headline on a cover and you are pretty much guaranteed a good sale.

8. They’re on the brink of extinction…

More so even than newspapers. Bloggers like Perez Hilton can post the same photos of celebs that we have to pay six figures for (yes, we really do shell out that much). Online shopping means our fashion pages look obsolete within days. And the magazine industry has been far too slow to embrace new technology.

9. The Kardashians can rot your brain

…which is why I’m getting out. Jen and Ange I can cope with, but an entire family who have based their fame on a sex tape is too much for me. I just don’t care. And unfortunately, millions of people seem to disagree with me, if sales are anything to go by.

10. It’s not all fluff and nonsense

At Grazia, our biggest mail is always sparked by our current affairs stories (debates on politics and asylum seekers or world news pieces about Africa, etc) and the perennial issue of when and if to have children and whether to be a stay-at-home mum or go out to work. Many of our readers never buy a newspaper and look to us for their weekly fix of celebrity to tell them something else about the world they live in. We, and our readers, are not stupid – and should not be under-guestimated, as a certain US president said.

Maxine Frith is a UK-based freelance journalist. She spent four years as news and features editor of Australian Grazia